Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
Randomize
