Your dad touched me again.
I just threw up on my dentist
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Randomize
