I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
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