youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
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