There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
Randomize
