soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
