I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
Randomize
