Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
Any toy can be an adult toy. Location, location, location.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
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