im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
why dont you just whore around college until someone loves you...thats how it works for girls isnt it?
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
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