You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
