can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
I Think it is all interconnected. Emma caused most of the nakedness
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
