Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
