Four minutes until I can fart!
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
