I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
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