Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
