go do what you do best...puke behind churches
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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