connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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