This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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