she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
I'd do that. But we would need storm trooper helmets.
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
