Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
Randomize
