Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Randomize
