Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
