i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
The chlamydia really affected his face.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
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