I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Randomize
