Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Randomize
