I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
Randomize
