Is this a definitive no? All is forlorn? Such is fine, but i'm drunk and a sucker for concrete answers
the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
Randomize
