Got a toothbrush?
Well how sick are u. Ive got a good immune system.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Randomize
