is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
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