I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
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