what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
Randomize
