Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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