Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
