There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
There's a naked man in my car right now.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
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