Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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