I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
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