you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
