Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
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