You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
its summer. and we all know college gfs do not count in summer.
college gfs dont count ever. theyre like getting corn rows in jamaica. you feel cool at the time. then you go home and people make fun of you.
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
Randomize
