we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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