Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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