No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Randomize
