i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
Randomize