nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
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