fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
only 4 hours until nug lovin time
excuse me?
nug lovin. lovin nugs.
Randomize
