Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
