You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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