You made me cry and you don't even care
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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