I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
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