I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
Randomize