i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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