I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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