Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
I just got carded by a ten year old.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
