I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
you need to leave class get on facebook and start untagging IMMEDIATELY
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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