I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
