He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Randomize
