i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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